I've thought about this over a hundred times. You see, I tend to overanalyze everything. Especially when things start to take too much time to happen. And that was a big with Eli.
The more I thought about it, the more I tried to get the fact that we would never work out into my head. I'd think about our age difference, I know ten years is not much, but it broke my five-year-older rule. I'd think about how there was a big chance it was a one-sided thing, how it could jeorpadize his career and mine for that matter. But deep inside, there were butterflies splashing warmth in my belly. I'd think about the way he looked at me and how he paid attention to what I was saying, and it'd seem crazier to dismiss it than to take a chance.
I was not obsessed about him, or so I kept repeating to Lumi. She was sprawled on the couch as always and I was, God, pacing in front of her for the last ten minutes.
"So, tell me, what do I do about it?"
"I don't know."
"Lumi, I need help. I have this feeling in my gut..."
"And what does your gut tell you to do? Mine's telling me I'm hungry."
"You're always hungry. No, this is serious! I need help, I can't screw this up."
"You won't screw it up. He's just too damn slow. If it were me, I'd have lost my patience already."
"Like you're losing it now?"
"You haven't stopped talking about him for three weeks. I've been to four dates since you started this obsessesion with Professor Walker."
"I am not obsessed!"
"Yeah, yeah, okay. Look, just go and talk to him then. You're always saying how he's so understanding, how it's so easy to talk to him, then go! Talk to him!"
"It's more complicated than that."
"Why? You're the one making it so damn complicated. You want him to answer if he's interested in you, then, for crying out loud, ask him!"
"Hmm."
"Hmm! Now, can we go eat something? My gut's telling me it's past time to eat. I'm feeling like... a hamburger. Big one with fries the size of carrots."
At times like these, I would miss the old Lumi from a few years ago. At sixteen, Lumi was shy and nervous around boys. Not at her friends, and she had quite a few. But I think she had no real interest in them so they didn't represent a threat. But once she reached eighteen, which is like twenty-one in US, she lost the grips. We were celebrating her coming of age at this Irish pub back home and let's just say we were together only for the first hour. I only saw her again when the pub was closing and she was tangled with this very tall and very old guy. It was the first time I saw her really drunk. Her mother nearly killed us both, but it was worth it. She had the time of her life and from then on, I used the old guy story whenever I wanted to blackmail her.
***
The waiting room was empty. I came in and sat facing the front desk. The grades had been released and most of the students had already left for their summer vacations. Since my thesis had been demolished by a new bill that had passed at the Senate, I was desperate about a paper that I would have to present next semester. My supervisor, Professor Muffyn, had given me the month of July to work on my paper and had already left for her summer course in France. So, I decided to try for Professor Walker's help. We had agreed to meet at 4pm. and it was 4:20 already and he hadn't arrived.
"Anne, sorry. I had to go back home get some papers I have to return tonight, it couldn't wait. I'm sorry I'm late."
"It's okay."
"This way, please."
One thing I forgot to mention is that I had sent an e-mail to him the previous week like I said before. After talking to Lumi I decided to use the help he had offered and sent this e-mail telling my problem with my paper and how I'd like to know more about his doctorates and teaching. In exchange for his help, I added, I'd offer a hot cocoa. Well, this was the meeting we had agreed on.
I entered his office, and while he opened the windows I looked around. There were piles of paper neatly stacked at his desk. His computer was on and there was a text in what seemed like German, open. His backpack and bag were tossed over a table by the window and his jacket had been carelessly thrown over his leather chair.
I sat at the chair across his desk and waited for him to organize the papers he had broght from his house. He had rolled up the sleeves of his brown shirt, had old jeans and his Timberland boots. His black hair seemed tousled by the wind and that gave him a carefree, just a little wild look. When he turned his gray eyes at me, I had to contain the urge to sigh.
"So you're desperate with the new bill?" He asked with a smile.
"Not desperate. But I'm very worried about it."
"You don't have to worry about anything. Thesis don't age like that. It's all about the right approach."
Suddenly I was feeling very stupid. The things he was saying were making so much sense that it had made my, well, desperation, rather idiotic. He asked a few questions and, to my horror, I started stuttering. I knew the answers, but he was staring so hard that I was forgetting what I had to say. So I shifted my gaze to the window and wound my way through the nerves and gave my answer. It was only later that I would realize how much I was trying to impress him.
We talked for over an hour about justice and Law in the US and its differences with Brazilian Law, and by the time he was explaining Rule of Law to me, I made an internal check and to my surprise, I was not only calm, but very confortable and hadn't noticed. I lowered my gaze to his neck and had just realized he had left a few buttons open and was showing a necklace with drop shaped pendant. I don't know why, but that made the sexy bell ring very loud. By the time I looked back up, he had changed the subject and I hadn't paid attention to anything he said.
"What do you think about that?"
"I'm sorry, what?"
"About discussing MacCormick and Ackerman in your paper."
"Oh. Yes. I mean, I agree, it would be very good to read about the background of my dissertation in order to be able to deffend it better."
He started to shuffle some papers and was mentioning that I should send an e-mail to ask him about the books he would be lending me. It seemed my time was up. There hadn't been any mention of the hot cocoa, so I understood that it wasn't going to happen. Months later he would tell me how he had been dissapointed I hadn't asked him to go get them.
I gathered my papers, my notebook and rose. He was leaning back in his chair with his legs crossed and was looking at me. For a second I wanted to come across the desk, grab his shirt and kiss him. I was walking towards the door when I thought about leaving without solving my biggest problem. So I turned.
"Just one more thing."
"Yes?"
"I have a question to ask and I need you to be honest."
"Sure."
"It's more like a favor" My courage was starting to falter. What the hell was I doing? I gulped down fear, literally, and let go. "I haven't been able to get you out of my head. And I need you to put me back into my place, tell I'm delusional or something, so I can let this go and, I don't know, go back to seeing you as Professor Walker."
"Ah..."
Do you hate this ackward silences as much as I do? Because I really hate them. You go from hating yourself to shots of anxiety in seconds. He was staring to intensely at me with a shocked expression that I had realized that nothing good was going to come out of this. I had to leave, and I had to leave fast.
"Okay, I think that your face has done it. Thank you. You... have a good day." I turned on my heels and left the office as fast as I could. There were many students waiting already and some of them were his students. I left the waiting room and dashed down the stairs. I was nearly out of the building when my phone started ringing. It was Lumi.
"So! How was it? Why are you out of breath? Oh my God! Were you two making out? Did I interrupt?"
"No... it went terribly wrong. He just sat there staring at me." And I told her the whole story.
"Aw... I'm sorry."
"Yeah... Now, I'm not only down, I want to shove my head into a hole and stay there until spring."
"Don't be thick. Are you coming home?"
"I think I'm going to sit here in the patio for a while. I'll be home for dinner. Order something good. Something very fat and very tasty. And get beer. I need a lot of alcohol."
"Oh God... okay, who needs to be on a diet? Not us."
"Shut up. I'll be home in an hour."
"Okay. Bye."
I put my things on the bench under the big tree and sat beside them. I stretched out and looked up. It was a beautiful day, all in all. And I shouldn't have left the way I did. But did he have to stare at me like that? It wasn't something so ridiculous, was it? He wasn't my professor anymore, so it wasn't going against the University rules. And even if it was, what was the damn problem? No one had to know. And you know what? It was a good thing. Now, the doubt was out of my chest and I could move on.
With that in mind I finally relaxed. I closed my eyes and let the sun streaking through the leaves wash my face. And that is how he found me.
"Anne?"
"Wha... oh."
"Why did you leave like that?"
"I..." Say something! But only if it's going to sound good. If not, stay shut.
"You drop a bomb like that and you just leave?"
"Sorry, I..."
"We can't talk about this here. And I have class in one hour. Can you meet me tomorrow at 6?"
"6? I guess. Why?"
"So we can talk."
"I thought there was nothing to talk about." He just stared at me. Made me think of Lumi's cold stare. "Or maybe there is..."
"Yes, there is. I have to go back, my students are waiting to receive their papers. Tomorrow at 6 in the Amos Café. Okay?"
"Okay."
"All right. Bye." He said and left. Hmm... what had just happened? I did the only thing that I could think of. Lumi.
"Hey? Have you ordered dinner already?"
"No. I was torn between pizza and chinese."
"No. Make it subways. Low fat ones."
"Low fat?! Why?! What happened?"
"He just came to find me. Apparently we're meeting tomorrow to talk about this."
"Whoa! Yaaay! See? I told you."
"Told me what?"
"That you shouldn't worry."
"You only told me to stop bugging you and go talk to him."
"Same thing! Soo, you have a date with the sexy teacher tomorrow night, huh? What are you wearing?"
"Anne, sorry. I had to go back home get some papers I have to return tonight, it couldn't wait. I'm sorry I'm late."
"It's okay."
"This way, please."
One thing I forgot to mention is that I had sent an e-mail to him the previous week like I said before. After talking to Lumi I decided to use the help he had offered and sent this e-mail telling my problem with my paper and how I'd like to know more about his doctorates and teaching. In exchange for his help, I added, I'd offer a hot cocoa. Well, this was the meeting we had agreed on.
I entered his office, and while he opened the windows I looked around. There were piles of paper neatly stacked at his desk. His computer was on and there was a text in what seemed like German, open. His backpack and bag were tossed over a table by the window and his jacket had been carelessly thrown over his leather chair.
I sat at the chair across his desk and waited for him to organize the papers he had broght from his house. He had rolled up the sleeves of his brown shirt, had old jeans and his Timberland boots. His black hair seemed tousled by the wind and that gave him a carefree, just a little wild look. When he turned his gray eyes at me, I had to contain the urge to sigh.
"So you're desperate with the new bill?" He asked with a smile.
"Not desperate. But I'm very worried about it."
"You don't have to worry about anything. Thesis don't age like that. It's all about the right approach."
Suddenly I was feeling very stupid. The things he was saying were making so much sense that it had made my, well, desperation, rather idiotic. He asked a few questions and, to my horror, I started stuttering. I knew the answers, but he was staring so hard that I was forgetting what I had to say. So I shifted my gaze to the window and wound my way through the nerves and gave my answer. It was only later that I would realize how much I was trying to impress him.
We talked for over an hour about justice and Law in the US and its differences with Brazilian Law, and by the time he was explaining Rule of Law to me, I made an internal check and to my surprise, I was not only calm, but very confortable and hadn't noticed. I lowered my gaze to his neck and had just realized he had left a few buttons open and was showing a necklace with drop shaped pendant. I don't know why, but that made the sexy bell ring very loud. By the time I looked back up, he had changed the subject and I hadn't paid attention to anything he said.
"What do you think about that?"
"I'm sorry, what?"
"About discussing MacCormick and Ackerman in your paper."
"Oh. Yes. I mean, I agree, it would be very good to read about the background of my dissertation in order to be able to deffend it better."
He started to shuffle some papers and was mentioning that I should send an e-mail to ask him about the books he would be lending me. It seemed my time was up. There hadn't been any mention of the hot cocoa, so I understood that it wasn't going to happen. Months later he would tell me how he had been dissapointed I hadn't asked him to go get them.
I gathered my papers, my notebook and rose. He was leaning back in his chair with his legs crossed and was looking at me. For a second I wanted to come across the desk, grab his shirt and kiss him. I was walking towards the door when I thought about leaving without solving my biggest problem. So I turned.
"Just one more thing."
"Yes?"
"I have a question to ask and I need you to be honest."
"Sure."
"It's more like a favor" My courage was starting to falter. What the hell was I doing? I gulped down fear, literally, and let go. "I haven't been able to get you out of my head. And I need you to put me back into my place, tell I'm delusional or something, so I can let this go and, I don't know, go back to seeing you as Professor Walker."
"Ah..."
Do you hate this ackward silences as much as I do? Because I really hate them. You go from hating yourself to shots of anxiety in seconds. He was staring to intensely at me with a shocked expression that I had realized that nothing good was going to come out of this. I had to leave, and I had to leave fast.
"Okay, I think that your face has done it. Thank you. You... have a good day." I turned on my heels and left the office as fast as I could. There were many students waiting already and some of them were his students. I left the waiting room and dashed down the stairs. I was nearly out of the building when my phone started ringing. It was Lumi.
"So! How was it? Why are you out of breath? Oh my God! Were you two making out? Did I interrupt?"
"No... it went terribly wrong. He just sat there staring at me." And I told her the whole story.
"Aw... I'm sorry."
"Yeah... Now, I'm not only down, I want to shove my head into a hole and stay there until spring."
"Don't be thick. Are you coming home?"
"I think I'm going to sit here in the patio for a while. I'll be home for dinner. Order something good. Something very fat and very tasty. And get beer. I need a lot of alcohol."
"Oh God... okay, who needs to be on a diet? Not us."
"Shut up. I'll be home in an hour."
"Okay. Bye."
I put my things on the bench under the big tree and sat beside them. I stretched out and looked up. It was a beautiful day, all in all. And I shouldn't have left the way I did. But did he have to stare at me like that? It wasn't something so ridiculous, was it? He wasn't my professor anymore, so it wasn't going against the University rules. And even if it was, what was the damn problem? No one had to know. And you know what? It was a good thing. Now, the doubt was out of my chest and I could move on.
With that in mind I finally relaxed. I closed my eyes and let the sun streaking through the leaves wash my face. And that is how he found me.
"Anne?"
"Wha... oh."
"Why did you leave like that?"
"I..." Say something! But only if it's going to sound good. If not, stay shut.
"You drop a bomb like that and you just leave?"
"Sorry, I..."
"We can't talk about this here. And I have class in one hour. Can you meet me tomorrow at 6?"
"6? I guess. Why?"
"So we can talk."
"I thought there was nothing to talk about." He just stared at me. Made me think of Lumi's cold stare. "Or maybe there is..."
"Yes, there is. I have to go back, my students are waiting to receive their papers. Tomorrow at 6 in the Amos Café. Okay?"
"Okay."
"All right. Bye." He said and left. Hmm... what had just happened? I did the only thing that I could think of. Lumi.
"Hey? Have you ordered dinner already?"
"No. I was torn between pizza and chinese."
"No. Make it subways. Low fat ones."
"Low fat?! Why?! What happened?"
"He just came to find me. Apparently we're meeting tomorrow to talk about this."
"Whoa! Yaaay! See? I told you."
"Told me what?"
"That you shouldn't worry."
"You only told me to stop bugging you and go talk to him."
"Same thing! Soo, you have a date with the sexy teacher tomorrow night, huh? What are you wearing?"
