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"Where's she?" Lumi asked as she entered the hospital. "Where did they take them?" She had never felt this tired before in her whole life. And she was a dancer. She knew rehearsals and hard practice that lasted endless hours. She had practiced until her toes bled. But she had never felt this tired before. So strained. But somehow, she was putting one foot in front of the other, as she desperately tried to understand where Eli had been taken.
"Where's she?" Lumi asked as she entered the hospital. "Where did they take them?" She had never felt this tired before in her whole life. And she was a dancer. She knew rehearsals and hard practice that lasted endless hours. She had practiced until her toes bled. But she had never felt this tired before. So strained. But somehow, she was putting one foot in front of the other, as she desperately tried to understand where Eli had been taken.
She still couldn't believe it had been Eli that had been hit by two cars and suffered a third crash as a third car ran in to the one that had already ran over him. She had heard people say he was already dead, but she didn't want to believe it. She wanted to cry. She wanted her mother. Her tough mother that would know what to do. The hospital was filled with people and a few reporters. Anne had been brought in a second ambulence. Victor was still holding her hand and she clung to him as if her life depended on it. At that moment, it probably did.
After I realized it was Eli, my world stopped. I wanted to run, run there and see with my own eyes that it wasn't him. I wanted to get my cellphone and call Eli. Tell him that I had nearly started crying thinking he had been ran over in an accident. Wasn't I stupid? He'd laugh and say he was very much whole and safe. He would tell me something about the conference and promise to meet after that same night to celebrate. It felt like hours that I stood there. The world had become mute to me. Only when I heard the ambulence coming, the world seemed to come back alive to me. It felt like so much noise at the same time, that it hurt my eardrums. I looked at Lumi and Victor and they were holding hands, trying to see what had happened. Comforted for not leaving Lumi alone, I ran. I heard them calling me back, but my heart already knew what my head didn't want to believe. I pushed people aside, some complained, some didn't. I was thinking that I should call Eli first but I couldn't find my cellphone. It would be much later that I would realize that I had been holding the cellphone in my hands. When I jumped over the smashed car to the middle where the man had been hit, my knees almost gave in. Eli was there. But he wasn't at the same time. The scream died in my throat as the world went black.
***
"Maybe it wasn't him." I heard Lumi say nearby. "She just ran in his direction and passed out after she saw the body. Anyone would. I heard one of the legs had been chopped off."
"I don't know. I only saw him once. And there had been too much blood to see his face." I heard Victor say.
My stupid heart wanted to get strength from their doubt and hope for a different reality. But I had seen. I had seen him more than once. I had seen his where his leg was supposed to be. His briefcase and backpack a few meters away, ripped and dirty from the tired of the cars. Somewhere on my mind, I knew we had to call his sister. Call his colleagues at LSE, but I didn't want to open my eyes. I wanted to remain silent and oblivious to the certainty of his death. Death. Eli was dead. The man I loved. And I.... I hadn't told him how I felt... I.... as I remembered the night before, after he told me loved me, and how my heart had felt when I realized I loved him back, I couldn't hold the tears anymore. Before opening my eyes, I let out a wail. I felt like a wounded animal. I curled in the hospital bed as my body shook. As I wept. Half mad, I desperately wished I could really cry my heart out. If I did, then it wouldn't hurt so much. If I did... There wouldn't be a heart to ache. I heard Lumi calling, I felt her hands touching my hair, my arms, telling me to calm down, because they didn't know if it really was Eli yet. But I did. I couldn't form words, but I did.
I opened my eyes and saw her leaning over me, her eyes filled with tears as she asked me to calm down. There was only her and Victor in the room. I heard some people coming by the corridor outside, but other than that, the world was silent again. The tears wouldn't stop, but I was no longer moving. Victor said something in Lumi's ear and left the room.
"Okay? Victor is going to see what he can find out. They aren't letting us near the man's because we're not family. But Victor will manage something."
"Cell..." I tried to say in a rough voice.
"I know. I called him. His... cell is off." Lumi said as her eyes filled again. I tried to hold back, but the more I tried, the bigger was the force inside me. I couldn't hold it, and this time, as I wept, Lumi climbed on the bed and held me as I desperately tried to empty my heart.
***
"His sister is on her way. Their parents are coming tonight, her husband told me." Lumi informed the group from LSE that had called the whole day. The conference had been canceled and it seemed everyone only had my cellphone as reference. A couple of hours after it was confirmed that it had been Eli Walker that had been run over, Lumi had called doctors and asked to medicate me with a tranquilizer. My eyelids were closed, but I could hear everything. I was no longer crying, but my mind and heart filled with impossible demands, impossible memories, impossible regrets. "Yes, NYU has been informed and they are sending a rep tomorrow morning. Since they're waiting for his family to arrive to make up decisions, I can't really inform you anything other than I already have. He's alive, he's breathing through a..."
I opened my eyes. The light blinded me but I didn't care. I reached out for Lumi.
"He's... he's alive?"
"He is. But.."
"Thank God, thank God..."
"Anne, he's breathing through a machine. He lost too much blood. They weren't able to save his leg. And they think his brain was left without oxygen for too long."
"But he's alive..."
"Barely. I know you want to hold on to that, and you should. But the doctors have said that the chances of him waking up are very low. And even if he did, he'd never be the same person again."
I let my eyes close back. And felt Eli die the second time that day.
***
Something wasn't right. He couldn't possibly be dying. We had slept together the night before. I had pushed his chair so he could sleep in the bed. He... had been up that morning working on his speach when I woke up. For some reason, the fact that he had left the bed before me was the irrefutable fact that proved he could not possibly have suffered an accident.
I woke up in my hotel bedroom. Turning to my side, I froze the moment I smelled his hair on the pillow. No. I couldn't believe they had brought me to the bed I had shared with him only the night before. I sat up. A little groggy I threw my legs out of the bed and tried to get up. In the shadow of the night I could see his suitcase by the wardrobe. I knew that if I walked into the bathroom I would see his toiletries on the sink. Something was terribly wrong. I turned on the lights and walked inside blinded by lights again that same day. But his toiletries weren't there. I splashed cold water on my face and after drying it, left for the bedroom. There was no suitcase by the wardrobe and as I turned on the bedroom lights, my confusion grew bigger. This room was decorated in green and brown. It wasn't the same bedroom. Over the dinner table was a note written by Lumi.
I woke up in my hotel bedroom. Turning to my side, I froze the moment I smelled his hair on the pillow. No. I couldn't believe they had brought me to the bed I had shared with him only the night before. I sat up. A little groggy I threw my legs out of the bed and tried to get up. In the shadow of the night I could see his suitcase by the wardrobe. I knew that if I walked into the bathroom I would see his toiletries on the sink. Something was terribly wrong. I turned on the lights and walked inside blinded by lights again that same day. But his toiletries weren't there. I splashed cold water on my face and after drying it, left for the bedroom. There was no suitcase by the wardrobe and as I turned on the bedroom lights, my confusion grew bigger. This room was decorated in green and brown. It wasn't the same bedroom. Over the dinner table was a note written by Lumi.
"I went to the restaurant pick something for you to eat when you woke up.
I'll be right back. Eli's parents and sister have already arrived and are staying at the same hotel.
They're on rooms 521 and 522. Don't leave the room without me. Lumi."
Miserable, I picked fresh clothes from the closet and tried to take a hot shower. An hour later, when I came out, Lumi was sprawled on the bed, asleep, a tray with a sandwich resting over the dinner table. I picked a blanket and through it over her. I went through my things and realized not all of my things were there. Which meant the room on the fourth floor was still rented for me. I searched the bedroom and found the key card inside the nightstand's drawer. I scribled a note to Lumi telling her where I was going and I walked out on the corridor.
Moments later I slipped inside the bedroom we had shared for the last few days. His things were exactly where he had left them. His perfume and deodorant clung to the air, as if time had stopped only inside that bedroom. I pushed through the covers that hadn't been straightened and, surrounded by his smell, I fell asleep.
***
I didn’t want to open my eyes. It was so warm under the covers. There was one thing that I absolutely loved about mornings and it was the fresh breeze that came in through the window with such fresh air that made it worth leaving the bed. In this specific morning I did not want to leave the bed not even to feel the breeze. Sun was streaking through the curtains which meant it was nearly 9 and I was talking myself back into sleep when I felt Eli stir beside me. I couldn’t help but smile when his arm came around my waist and pulled me closer. He mumbled something is his sleep and placed his chin on my shoulder before sleeping again. I’ll never forget the feeling of waking up to a man you love looking for you even before being completely awake.
An hour later I’d finally convinced myself I had to start the day and was taking a shower. The water was hot and I had the window open. I loved to take the shower with the window open, you see, only the lower side opened so no one could see anything from the outside. I hated taking showers in the morning, even back home, it was just too cold. But morning sex always put me in a bright mood, so I decided to take a shower. I was rinsing my hair when Eli slided the door and came in. My quick shower turned into a long one.
Eli had a cute way of starting his mornings. He would get up, walk blindly to the shower and stand under the shot of hot water for what looked like the time it took for his brain to start. He’d brush his teeth and get out with the towel hanging low on his hips. He’d walk to the sink, shave, brush his hair and come out to the bedroom to dress. In the kitchen he put the coffee pot on and started making a sandwich. All this, without a single word. I’d be sitting in front of him in our kitchen table and he would drink his coffee staring at the TV or at some random spot, lost in his own thoughts. Only after the coffee and snack, would he look up to me and talk about whatever he had been thinking and what he would be doing that day. It may seem weird living with someone without exchanging a single word before breakfast, but if you tried to talk to him before that, he only answered vague groans and didn’t pay much attention to your reply. So I got used to it. To tell the truth, I’m not and never have been a morning person myself. So, it was a perfect match.
This day, however, I had left the shower first, got dressed and was already having my cup of tea sitting cross-legged on the porch. It was a very cold morning, but I always loved to see the countryside unfold, see people pass in the street on their way to their own daily activities. I was watching a mother pass with her baby on a stroller and a Dalmatian on a leash when Eli came up behind and put his arms around me.
“Morning.”
“Morning, my love. I left the coffee pot on.”
“I saw it. Thanks. So, what do you have planned for today?”
The mother had stopped and asked her Dalmatian that apparently was called Neil to sit, while she checked her baby, apparently called Sarah. I had seen and come across other dogs since I’d left Brazil but for some reason, Neil had made me think of Jack.
Jack was a border collie that I had bought after breaking up with my first boyfriend five years ago. He had all the issues of a mistreated dog and was fearful of most things, especially men. But he was love struck with me from the get go, and however many times I thought about giving up on him, I never managed to do it. He drove me nuts many times but I loved him very much. He had a serious obedience problem, but somehow we made it through his first years. My heart was aching for Jack when Eli noticed where I was looking. And only saw the baby.
“Anne?”
“Hmm? Yes, sorry. I’m going to talk to the secretary today and see what can be done about my papers translation.”
“What is wrong?”
“Nothing. My mind wandered away. I’m back. Hmm, you smell so good. Is that cake?”
“It’s leftovers from Leah’s party.”
“I had forgotten about it!” I got up and went back into the kitchen to get some and remembered when I had to chase Jack out of the kitchen again and again until I gave up and just locked it. I was staring at the door and thinking of him. Eli had been watching me through the window and had a serious face. He looked back at the mother that was putting the baby back in the stroller and made a decision.
“Anne, we’ve never discussed this before but… maybe it’s time we did. Do you… want to have a… baby?”
“A what?” An image of Jack jumping at my bedroom window asking for attention vanished from my mind. Had he just said a baby? “Why?”
“You seem broken hearted. And I know you’ve always wanted to be a mother. I’ve always wanted to have children but the timing always seemed off. Maybe now is a good time.”
“You want to have a baby. With me. Now? Here?”
“Of course with you. Why not? You were staring at the baby outside and all I could think of… was why not?”
“Why not… but we’re not… We’re in England.”
“People have babies in England.”
“We’re not married.”
“We don’t have to be married to make a baby. But…”
“I know, but…”
“Okay. We don’t have to have a baby. It’s okay. Now you seem frightened. I’m going to the office and then I have class at 11. I’ll be back at 7pm.”
“Wait.” I felt a desperate need in my heart to tell him how I felt before he left. He could not leave without knowing how I truly felt.
He was leaving the kitchen but I got hold of his arm and pulled him back.
“Wait. I didn’t say I didn’t want to. Do you want to have a baby now?”
“I’m nearly 40 and I love you. I want to have children. So… why not?”
“Wow… okay. Okay… So… we’re having a baby?”
I loved his smiles. They started slowly and then they would flash and could melt away most storms. His gray eyes looked so full of emotion, mine watered up.
“Don’t cry.”
“I’m not crying.”
“Yes, you are. I have to be at class at 11 but I can spare a few minutes.”
“Now?!”
“Why not?”
So we were going to start to try to have a baby. It seemed crazy and wonderful at the same time. A baby. Wow. It seemed crazy, but… he was right. Why not? Something started to worry me though, there was something I had forgotten. Something I had to remember but didn't want to. But as I shifted in bed, I realized I had been dreaming. Feeling the truth sneak back in, I woke up crying, feeling his scent so real and so close, desperately wishing I hadn't come to this bedroom after all.
***
Three days later his family had agreed on terminating his life. I had demanded a International Brain Death Verification Protocol and his parents agreed. It was a world-wide know procedure that tested his brain waves and bodily fluids during 72 hours in order to define the inexistence of brain activity. He had mentioned them during class only the year before. I was sitting in the back of the class. He had been walking around telling us about how important it was to know that anyone, everyone had the right to demand this protocol whenever we had a person in coma or such. I could almost hear his voice, professor-like, as I scribled the whole protocol name on the side. He had caught me writing it and had smiled.
The next day his family arranged for his body to be transported back to the U.S. and invited me to come along, but I wanted to stay with Lumi and Victor. I didn't want to go home. In fact, I did, my real home in my real country. But, London now cursed to me, still had some offerings that I intended to take. I don't think I'd be returning to London ever again in my life. So, this one time was going to have to count for a lifetime. Lumi wanted to do some shopping. And I needed her company.
The days that had passed felt like hundreds of years. And at the same time, like seconds. It felt like I had saw him walk out the Hotel lobby that very morning. And the nights seemed to be taking months to pass. I woke up crying every morning. Went to sleep crying every night. But during the day I no longer cried. I watched seconds turn into minutes, and minutes turn into hours. August was almost over. And the countryside dream haunted me night after night. I wanted to stay in bed all day, all night. But Lumi wouldn't leave me behind, and she wanted to walk. So even if it was for a couple of hours, I did my best to walk alongside her and her love. A little ashamed of my envy, I walked around in London. London was drowining and I lived by the river.
