Chapter 15: The beast and the light

“Jurisprudence is the theory and the philosophy of Law. In Brazil jurisprudence means something else. Could you tell us what it means in Brazil, Anne?”

In the back of my mind I knew he couldn’t possibly be calling me. But I was sure I heard his voice. Hope painfully wanted to blossom in my heart, but I didn’t dare open my eyes.

“Anne?”

There was his voice again.

I shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut, trying to clear my mind. It wasn’t really foggy, but I was clearly hearing things, he wasn’t here, so how could I be hearing his voice?

I waited one beat. Then another.

Silence.

I sighed in relief and found my heart aching. I reached up to rub it when I heard it again.

“Anne? Pay attention to me. Stop daydreaming in class.” I opened my eyes. I was inside the classroom and it was filled with people. The whiteboard had scribbles all over it and everybody was looking at me.


Including Eli.

As realities collided, a new one sprouted. Apparently I’d fallen asleep. Had it all been just a dream?

“Sorry.” I said sitting up.

“What does jurisprudence mean in Brazil?”

“Ah… It means the… conglomerate of legal decisions made by a court that are to be used as… direction to new decisions. Or something like that.”

“Yes, something like that.” Eli said with a smile. “In Brazil the legal system is very interesting. They have some of the most advanced Law in the world. The Children and Teenager’s Statute surpasses European standards.” Eli paused when the other students started to chat louder. “For example, as one of Children and Teenagers’ public politics, health is so fiercely enforced that they achieve close to 99% of vaccination in most states.”

Eli stood there defending my country over the other students disbelief. Over my disbelief. I looked around, looked down to my hands; nothing out of place. 

I felt my face warming when he looked at me and smiled one more time. Our eyes had locked for less than two seconds, but when it broke, I felt like my heart was breaking too, though I couldn't quite figure why.


When the class ended, I stayed on my desk watching as the other students got up to leave. Some went to his desk in order to discuss some issue, but most had already left. He packed his things and was leaving with them when he spotted me.


"Are you staying here by yourself?"


"Nope. I wanted... to talk to you."


"Ah, sure. You three can come to see me in my office on Thursday and we'll discuss your grades. I won't promise anything, but I'll revise the answers." He said turning to the three students that had clearly been annoyed by my interruption. They left without looking back. Eli stood there in front of the classroom, holding his crossbody leather bag, wearing a black shirt with the last button unclasped and old faded jeans. His boots were scarred and his hair seemed to have been dishevelled by the wind earlier. He looked handsome and wild. My heart thumped in my chest and I forced myself to stop looking and walked toward him.

My head swirled with mixed memories, mixed feelings. I had a very strong feeling for him, but couldn't quite place it. The fear of never being able to do the same again, whatever that was, fueled my weakening courage to tell him how I felt.


I could hear my heartbeat on my ears.

My hands were shaking slightly and my knees wanted to give in. But most of all his serene gaze nearly brought me to tears. For my utter terror. Why the hell did I want to cry so much? Why was I so terrified?


I looked into his eyes and he seemed a little confused. I took a deep breath and let the words flow out of me. "I've... had a little problem lately."


"What kind of problem?" he asked showing honest concern.


"I haven't been able to stop thinking about you."


"Ah..."


"I know it's inappropriate and probably inconvenient for you. But I had to say it. Maybe this makes it selfish too."


"Anne, I..."


"I don't expect anything. In fact, you don't have to worry about it at all. Not being able to get you out of my head was a little hard but... was quite fun too. Having someone I liked so much was really nice. I hadn't felt this in a long, long time. That's all I wanted to say." My heart felt like it had been shot. Against my will, my eyes filled up. As much as I tried to keep the tears from falling, I couldn't hold them too long. Through them, I saw his smile. I closed my eyes.


***

 

The ceiling was strikingly white. I didn’t recognize it. A quick sweep around the room told me I was alone. As my mind concluded I was actually crazy, the pain flooded. 

Tears filled my eyes, and though blurry, I tried to see where I was. It looked like the hotel room I’d stayed with him, but the furniture and the colors were wrong. Instead of red, the walls were moss green. The window that had been to the right, was now to the left of the bed. 

Confused, I sat up, pulling my knees closer. I listened to my heart rate slow down, settling my forehead over my knees. And remembered everything.

His class.

I hadn’t thought about it for a long time. Each waking moment I’d remember something about him, but classes hadn't come up yet. Not being able to get him out of my mind now, hurt my heart and to make it better, was also driving me crazy.

My chest ached in a way I couldn't stand anymore. 

Images, memories and everything I knew about him was swriling on my mind. I squeezed my eyes shut, rubbing my heart with a fist, but nothing went away. The raging beast inside my chest wanted to be unleashed but I felt like this wasn't the place for it.

I stretched my legs and went to stand by the window. London shimmered in the sun, that stubbornly shot rays through gray clouds. The drive from the airport shot to my mind. I had thought this would have been the most magical trip of my life so far. But now… I felt like this city was cursed. 

People went their ways down on the streets. Cars traveled to their destinations. Someone listened to music down the street. A driver pressed his horn to warn another driver that nearly hit his car. A nun came walking up the street holding a little girl’s hand.

Life went its way and everything seemed so normal. But looking at that view, I felt like an alien. I did not belong here. Grief flooded me again.

I had to leave. I didn’t want to stay here anymore.

I walked to my laptop and turned it on. I bought a ticket home. The next available flight was only ten hours later.

I got up, tied my hair in a ponytail and put on a coat. On a wim I caught my sunglasses and ipod and opened the playlist called Eli; pushed play and walked out of my bedroom.


When I stepped outside, assured by the dark lenses, I let myself absorb everything one last time. I walked up the street... I saw myself stepping out with Lumi and Victor to see what had all the noise been. Saw myself running in earth shattering fear. I shook my head. An image of myself walking up the same street came to mind. I had the same coat on, but a dress underneath instead. I pushed my coat closer as an ice cold shiver went down my spine. I remembered my utter happiness, barely containing what I felt inside my chest.


Without really noticing, I walked the same way I had those days before. Had it been really just a week? 


Impossible.


The abyss that separated me from that woman was too great for that. Impossible.


Remembering my thoughts, my plans, my new dreams as I listened to the songs that made me think of him broke my heart all over again. And again. As I entered the LSE patio, my legs finally gave in. I sat by the fountain and cried my heart out. My broken dreams, my broken heart. My love out.


***


I scribbled a simple note to Lumi. I hadn’t seen her since the day before when she had told me she’d be walking around London with Victor today. Good for her. Maybe after I’d left, they’d be more comfortable to enjoy each other’s company.

I packed my things and went to the lobby to check out. While I waited for the concierge to finish checking another guest out, Eileen McCarthy came through the doors. I thought about hiding but she had already spotted me and walked in my direction.

“I guess it's no use to avoid each other. Anne, right?” her voice sounded chilled by her own emotions. Did she blame me as well?

“Dr. McCarthy.”

“Eileen, please." Considering the fact that I blamed myself as well, I quietly agreed with her. I looked up and faced her disgusted gaze over me. "Are you leaving?"

"Yeah." I tried to think of something to say. She had been his love for a long time before I ever came along. She certainly seemed more fit to him than me. The beautiful, smart and accomplished doctor definitely filled all that a man like Eli deserved from a partner. Maybe if I hadn't changed everything, he'd be living happily with her.


"That's better, I think. You have a nice flight."


"I'm very sorry for your loss. Really sorry about it all." I whispered as loud as I could and was walking out of the lobby when she called out.

"You saw him after... after... the..."

"Yeah." My stomach knotted up. I didn't want to discuss this. I wanted to go away and never come back.

"You think he suffered?"

"I... don't know. I hope not."

"Eli was behind the whole event. We did our best to keep it as a hommage to him. But many people canceled."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"He... seemed happy with you." Eileen said pushing her long hair back. She stared at her feet and when she glanced up, a single teardrop fell over her cheek. She gave a little sad smile and with a finger, she cleaned the drop away. "I thought you should know. He was very happy you'd come with him to London. You used to be his student, right?"

"Yes."

"And he had said he'd never do something like that again." She stared at me for a few seconds and then turned on her heels and walked to the elevator.

Again? He'd been in a relationship with a student before? That was odd. And was bothering me more than I'd expected. 

I was out of breath. I had to leave. I desperately needed to be home. To be in my bedroom where I could unleash the sadness that was suffocating my heart.

I payed my bill and entered the cab that was already waiting for me. When the taxi passed in front of The Big Ben, I deliberately closed my eyes and kept them shut until we arrived at the airport.

***

Morning was creeping in by the time the taxi left me in front of my building. Lumi's unanswered calls and texts were blinking on my cell, but I only sent a simple "I'm fine and I'm home. Have fun." text back. 

I looked up and thought about the first time I had arrived there; full of hope, of dreams. I was already missing my friends from back home, but was very excited and anxious for the friends I'd make. For the adventures I'd live. For the love I might find. The building was exactly what I had always thought living in New York should be. Thanks to my parents, living in such a nice neighborhood, such a nice apartment, had been possible. Lumi called her mother every three or four days. I e-mailed mine every week. Suddenly, I wanted desperately to hear my mother's voice. Even if solely to disapprove of me.

I entered the elevator and pushed the button to my floor. Instead of feeling relieved for coming home, I was afraid. Deeply so. Why had I thought that being here would have made me feel better? I entered the apartment and remembered the day I had left. Eli had been jealous of Victor. He had been wearing his leather jacket, impatient to leave. And I was worried about leaving Lumi behind. What would I have done if I knew he was never coming back? Would I have gone to London anyway? Would Eli have gone? Would Eli have died?

I set my luggage inside and shut the door behind me. 

Since the accident, I dreamed about him everynight. Flashes of memories of moments that I treasured in my heart, even when I couldn't find courage to admit how I felt. Blinded by doubt in myself, I hadn't enjoyed a love that had been offered to me selflessly.

Did Eli know by now about how stupid I had been? Had I broken his heart?

 
I was ashamed of myself. Feeling the beast roar louder than never, I started to take off my clothes on the way to my bedroom. Naked, I pushed the cushions aside, took my blanket out of the wardrobe and wrapped it around me. And just laid there. Looking at the things in my bedroom, remembering a night when I had first saw his bedroom and had told him about it being a sanctuary for its owner. Was that why I had needed to be there?

There were traces of Eli everywhere. His books on my nightstand. A shirt hanging over the chair. His migraine painkillers. His Ipod and its earplugs were over my desk next to the books we had been analyzing in order to prepare my paper. Eli was everywhere. And nowhere. And then, when I could distinguish his scent over mine, I felt like the things to mourn would never end. All I had felt at LSE the day before rushed back. The beast could no longer be contained. I was free.

***

“I want to go home.” 

“It’s such a beautiful day. Have a big-ass ice cream with tons of calories and then I’ll take you back home, okay?”

“Make it big-ass ice cream with a big-ass brownie.”

“That’s my girl. Deal.” Lilah agreed with a triumphant smile. “So, I said I had news, right?”

“Hmm.”

 “I’m pregnant!”

The ice cream I had in my mouth was now choking me. I coughed trying to get it out while Lilah burst laughing.

She had appeared that morning on my apartment and riding on an excuse that she desperately needed me to deal with her with some things that had come up, had dragged me out of my well loved cave. Lilah was pregnant?

A vicious thought crossed my mind.

“Aren’t you too old to be a mother?”

“Bitch. Not even your mean temper will scratch my good mood today, though.” She shot back with a bright smile.

“Have you told Richard?”

“Yes! Actually, I thought I was sick. I had already been to a drugstore and bought half of their stock in flu meds. Rick suggested I saw a doctor since there was that horrible spread of Influenza last year. So I did. Turns out I’m pregnant!”

“And… How are you feeling?” I was desperately trying to sound cheerful.

“I’m a little sick in the mornings, but I’m so happy I don’t really care. Rick and I thought we’d never have a baby.”

“I know. I’m very happy for you.” I said as my eyes filled up against my will. I looked away, ashamed, but Lilah pulled me back.

“Oh, baby… you thought about having a baby with Eli? I’m so sorry. This is so unfair.”

“It’s not that and definitely not unfair. You’ll be a wonderful mother. Don’t say that.”

“I didn’t mean it that way. It’s unfair with you. But you know… You’re the closest thing to a sister that I have. Rick doesn’t have any siblings. You’ll be an aunt!”

“I’ll be an aunt.” I gave her my best watery smile. My heart felt like it was going to break all over again. I wanted to go home. I was so ashamed for not being able to be happy for my friend. I mean, I was happy. Really. But…

“Better. You’ll be godmother. And you’re still so young. I’m more than ten years your senior. You’ll meet a wonderful man and have dozens of babies. And I’ll get to play aunt too.”

“Maybe I’ll just give this relationship crap up. Sperm banks are so common these days. I can raise a child on my own.”

“You can. But give it time first. Although… if you have a baby here you’ll get to stay to raise it.” Lilah commented lost in thoughts. As she went on about the possibility of getting a citizenship, I got lost on my own thoughts.

My eyes watered up as I remembered the pictures of Eli holding his nephew. He seemed so happy, so proud holding a baby that he was clearly madly in love with. When he had told me about him, his voice had been filled with pride and content... and had made me wonder what kind of father he'd be someday. A wonderful one for sure. If everything had turned out right, we'd get married someday along the run and have our own kids.

Would I sit here with Lilah and like her, be bursting radiant happiness through each and every pore?

"Anne," Lilah said touching my hand and bringing me back. "bad things happen. I know this feels and looks horrific to you now. I know it feels like you'll never find peace and much less be happy again. But you will. You loved each other and that was a gift. He had to leave and he's in a better place now. Grieve as hard as you can and then leave it behind. Carry only the best. But don't blame yourself or try to keep it inside like you seem to be fighting so much to do, or you'll burst." she said biting her lips. "I wish I could make you stop hurting. But in time, you'll see that the fact that you're hurting so much, is a gift too. It means that what you had was this big, this important... this deep." Lilah said as tears came down her face. "Stop holding tears in front of me. It took me three days to actually get into your apartment. I was so worried about you." She pulled me to a hug and whispered in my ear. "When you hurt, don't push people out. Pull them in."

 ***

In two hours Lumi would be arriving home. I did and didn't want her to come home. I couldn't stand being alone at the apartment anymore. But I didn't want to face her either. Face her questions or even her opinions of my current state.

I did miss her, though.

As much as I'd miss a limb.

But now that she was coming home, I was going to have to give up my hermit habit.

On my P.J.'s I crossed the apartment and sat on the floor by the living room window. Music had been playing nonstop since my arrival 5 days before. 

Heart shattering songs seared the air and made me company twenty-four hours a day. 

Now, for the first time since arriving home, I turned the stereo off.

Silence flooded the room like water on a sinking boat. 

As rain fell against the window, I watched the gray sky over the city I loved so much.

Loved.

As London had been cursed by his death, New York was cursed by his life.

Hugging my legs, I thought about Eli.

Tears still came. The ache still seared my body. Memories still hurt my heart. Missing him still shattered my soul.

But there, just in the end of the tunnel, though far, far away, a very little light was shining.

It would be much later that I'd understand that hope was always there.