Chapter 16: Reattachments

Have I talked about how much I love rain? I do. So much. It rains a lot here in New York, but since we’re still somewhat in between summer and fall, there hasn’t rained in a while. Back home, this is when it starts to rain. October is when life breathes back in my hometown, after months of low humidity and high temperatures.

I think I’m missing home...

Meanwhile, my only connection to home has been acting very awkwardly lately. Lumi leaves in the morning before I’m up and only returns late at night. Since the day she came back home, I could count how many times we actually exchanged real words. In one hand. The three times I caught her arriving home, she just grunted during her shower and asked if I was okay and if I needed anything. Other than that, it was as if I was living by myself.

My life was a mess. Without Lumi now, it looked like the train wreck had destroyed everything around it as well and there was nothing left to survive. Classes had started the month before and I still hadn’t been able to even think about attending mine. My advisor had called after the first couple of weeks but even she gave up, only leaving a last warning message letting me know I was going to fail the semester and lose my scholarship if I didn’t stop missing classes and reunions.

I did try to get to class a few times. I got up, got dressed, got downstairs. I walked to the subway station and took it to NYU. I climbed up the stairs and had even walked up to the Law School entrance.

The first time I was shaking all over. Fear knotted up my stomach and cold sweat ran down my back. I don’t really know why. Eli was gone… there was nothing I could do. I wouldn’t be seeing him again. Ever again. And as I, mistakenly, used that to try to convince me to keep going, I started to cry. Funny how people stare at someone crying as if they never did it. As if someone crying was abnormal or as if crying itself was abhorring. Scary thought: as if they were pitying me.

I turned on my heels and made the fastest journey uptown of my life. Less than forty minutes later I was lying on my bed, missing Eli as much as the first night I had to sleep without him.

You know… truth is I feel pathetic whenever I notice how much this affects me. How much he affected me. I wish… I’d just get over it; I’d forget him and move on. Why can’t I just keep living as I had before? Why does it hurt as if we were married for ten years?

And a little voice in my head answers… because you don’t want to accept that that will never happen.

I wish it would rain.

Instead, it’s making 20°C outside and I’m skipping class again. I feel like a junkie. A self pity junkie. A food junkie. Have I mentioned that I can’t stop eating now? As much as I couldn’t even think about food a few days back, now I can’t stop eating. Maybe Mel’s right. Maybe I should find therapy. Crap.

***

Lumi shoved her things inside her bag and closed it fast, nearly making the zipper pop. She was carrying all of her things inside the same bag, since she was spending all day out of home. Her bag was all stretched out with towel, coat, pointe shoes, make up, notebook and hair products. She needed her hair products. There was no way in hell she’d just wash her hair after sweating herself numb in the gym with just shampoo. She needed hair conditioner, leave in, her curl activator and the mousse that protected her bangs from the heat of the hair drier.

With that, her bag was as heavy as thirty bricks and risking ripping in the street anytime. She didn’t care; she had other things in mind.

She stopped one last time in front of the mirror to check if hair and makeup were fine and left the locker room. She checked her cell phone for the hundredth time that day and, realizing it, shoved it back in her back pocket, angry. Why the hell was she checking her phone so much? She was the one who had told him not to call her.

Well, because since when he respected whatever she asked? He was always doing and saying whatever he wanted anyway. Why hadn’t he called anymore?!

And a thought made her stop dead in her tracks. What if he had met some girl and had lost complete interest in her? What if he had forgotten her? What if… “What the hell’s going on with me”, Lumi asked aloud now furious. She shook her head and crossed the street without looking.

The screaming brakes were the last thing she heard before she hit the floor.

***

“What the hell happened between you and Lumi in London?” Kit asked with her hands on her hips while standing in the middle of Victor’s living room.

“None of your business.”

“My ass. I respected your space; I even respected your stubbornness. Have no idea why. But now it’s enough. I don’t care about your bloody privacy or whatever you’re using as an excuse. Lumi’s acting weird. You’re acting weird. I can’t stand it anymore. What the hell happened?! Spill. Now.”

“Nope.”

“Do it or I’ll kick it out of you.”

“Doubt it.”

“Uhh, you’re so fucking annoying when you want to. Why the bloody hell not?”

“Isn’t she your friend? Go ask her.”

“You’re my brother. I’m asking you.” Kit answered dropping on the couch. She blew her bangs out of her eyes and sighed. “Besides, I’ve asked her. Lumi’s famous for her big thick hard head.”

“Kit. Let’s play a game.”

“Noo… Let’s start making things clear before my head pops. Pleeaase.”

“It’s a cool game.”

“Ugh, fine. What game?”

“Life game.”

“Life?”

“Yeah. You go live yours and live mine to me.”

“Ha, funny. Fine. You leave me no choice.”

“Thank God. Leave.”

“No. You leave me no choice.” Kit said as a matter of factly, getting up and heading to his bedroom. Victor that had been stretched on the floor since Kit came in an hour earlier just stared at his sister going in his bedroom. There was nothing she could use to threat him with in his bedroom. Was there?

“Ha, found it.”

“Found what?”

“This.” Kit said, a triumphant smile spreading on her lips when horror washed over Victor’s face. “Are you really not telling me?”

***

When the phone rang I was standing in the kitchen in front of the open fridge door, trying to find something to eat. Again. I had eaten cereal, banana smoothie, a slice of old ham pizza and what was left of the vanilla ice cream. It probably was Lilah checking in.

I sighed. Closed the fridge door and picked up on the last minute.

“Hello?”

“Is this Anne?”

“Yes. Who is it?”

“This is Dr. Abigail Brooks, I’m calling about Lumi.”

“Lumi? Doctor? Why? What happened?”. Oh God, oh God, oh God.

“Lumi was run over by a car this afternoon and she has been brought to the hospital. She…”

“She was what?!” Fear like I never knew before, pierced my skin as a thousand iced needles. Run over? By a car? Lumi? No. No, no, no, no.

“Miss?”

“Yes…”

“She is fine. She’s had minor injuries and all have been taken care of. She had a rib and her left leg broken. Other than that, just a few scratches, but nothing serious. If you could please come so we could discuss this personally.”

“Of course. Can you give me the address please?” I wrote down the address and sat there staring off at the wall, holding the mute phone on my hand. Lumi had been run over by a car. I couldn’t believe it. It had to be a mean joke. Eli had…

No.

I got up and changed my clothes as fast as I could. While I climbed down the stairs, I sent a text to Kit and Lilah. Relief drenched me when an empty cab passed right in front of the Arte. I gave the address to the driver and started a long pray in my head as the cab flew across town.

***

“So… are you or aren’t you telling me now?”

“You’re… fuck. Kit, give it back!”

“Nope.” She answered mimicking his unpreoccupied tone from before. “Tell me.”

“No! It was nothing, okay? Nothing happened.”

“Oh, okay. Here, take it.” Kit said offering the album. Victor stretched his hands and seconds before he could grab it, Kit pulled it out of reach. “What do you take me for? Spill it. Or I’ll take pictures with my phone and post them on Facebook and Twitter.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Try me. People have gone long enough without knowing how you were a fan of the eighties.”

“Shut up.”

“One…” Kit said pulling her cell from her pocket. “Two..” Victor made a move to catch her, but she moved so fast, jumping backwards and landing 5 feet away that Victor ran his knee on the table and was now cursing as Kit made a dash for the bathroom. She was about to shut the door when her phone signaled a new text. Since Victor was limping his way to the bathroom, she opened the text. Lumi was ran by a car. Broken leg and rib but is okay. Anne. “Lumi was in an accident.”

“What?” Victor asked as he froze a few feet before, the album forgotten on the floor where Kit had dropped it after reading the text.

“Lumi. Look. I have to get my shoes.” Kit said, passing him the phone. Victor read the text twice but still couldn’t believe it. Fear was clogging his airway. “Are you coming?”

“Fuck. Yeah. Fuck… Lumi…” Victor turned, caught the nearest shoes and his own phone, before closing the door behind him.

Inside the cab a few minutes later, Kit looked down at her shoes and caught a glimpse of Victor’s.

“You have cartoons popping out of your green crocs.”

“Shit.”

“I should have taken those to threaten you. It looks like Lumi’s a lot more than a fling for you to leave home with those.”

“Shut up.” Victor replied pulling his pants a little down to cover the crocs. The hell with it, he thought. And in less than a month, he was rushing to the hospital again.

***

“I’ve told you a thousand times to look before crossing a street!”

“Anne, I know. I got distracted, okay?” Lumi, who was bone white lying on the hospital bed, shouted back.

“If you know, then why are you always doing it? I knew this would happen sometime.”

“You’ve told me that. I’ve heard it. It’s enough.”

“You’re going to hear it until I get tired of saying it.”

“Which will probably be never.”

“You lower your voice.”

“You’re yelling at me. I’ll yell back as much as I want.”

“You… what were you thinking?”

“Afe… olha aqui, você não é minha mãe.”

“Graças a Deus.”

“É. Graças a Deus. Você já veio, já me viu, que tal ir embora?”

 

“Que tal você ficar quieta?”

“Que tal, não?”

“Que tal você fechar a boca e parar de gritar antes que você arrebente outra costela?”

“Ah, vai se ferrar.”

“Já tô. Vai você.”

“Já tô também.”

“Então pronto.”

“É, pronto.”

“Excuse me.” Kit knocked on the door before pushing it open. Victor seemed livid behind her. He was about to stomp inside the room but Kit gave him a warning glance. I envied his reaction to it, as he calmed down and closed back his mouth. Why couldn’t Lumi be like that? Well, logic answered, because it wouldn’t be Lumi.

Kit rushed to hug the spitting mad Lumi and Victor stopped by my side. “Is she really okay?”

“More than I thought.”

“We heard you from the corridor. Were you scolding her for being reckless?”

“Sort of.”

“Good. Are you okay?”

I looked up at him and for the first time, I felt unshaken respect wash over me. I was in awe of him. He looked worried sick, mad, tired and understanding all at the same time. I desperately wanted him for my sister. I tried a smile and looking back as Lumi complained about me to Kit, I sighed. “A little tired of  being scared the hell out of myself. But okay. She can take it.”

“Yeah… what? Take what?”

“You scolding her. You have my support.”

“I just came to see with my eyes that she was alive. I’m leaving.”

“Hmm, there are some papers I have to fill out and I desperately need some sugar. Why don’t you come with me?” I asked signaling to Kit that I’d be right back.

“Anne, go home.” Lumi said without looking at me.

“No. You’re stuck with me, kid. Esquece. Eu já volto.”

“Humph.”

“It’s funny.”

“What?” I asked as he fell in step beside me. People walked by us, doctors and patients, some in a hurry, others limping a little, pulling their I.V. along.

“When you two speak in Portuguese. I like it.”

“We almost don’t use it anymore. Just when we’re mad. Funny, when we arrived, he had a lot of trouble not using it with each other.”

“It’s probably normal.”

“I guess. Victor?”

“Yes?”

“I really like you.” I said stopping in front of the nurses balcony. I identified myself and received the papers to fill. I was trying the pen when I noticed he had gone mute and looked up. Victor was blushing. Who was the cutest? “As a big brother. What the hell happened after I left London?” I asked as I tried to remember Lumi’s ID. “Lumi’s light headed but she’s not that distracted. She hasn’t been herself since you both came back. She doesn’t talk and is aggressive most of the time. Something happened. And today that something was bothering her so much she didn’t look before crossing a street. Tell me.”

“I… fine. She won’t like it that I told you.”

“I don’t care.”

“We had a stupid fight in London. I tried to explain but she just kept saying she didn’t care. When she clearly did. In our last night we got really drunk in this pub close to the hotel. We sort of… woke up on… the same bed the next morning. I mocked her because her makeup had run through her face and her hair was really,” Victor moved his hands around his head. “Funny. She got horribly mad and marched out of the bedroom. Later, during breakfast I started to talk and she just interrupted me to say that what had happened had been a mistake that it would never happen again or that we would ever discuss it. She got up and said we’d meet on the plane.” Victor stopped to get me a soda and when he returned I had finished. We slowly walked back to Lumi’s room as he continued. “I tried to talk to her on the way back, after all we couldn’t just ignore each other for eight hours. But we ended up fighting every time. In the end, we silently agreed to don’t speak anymore.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, but we were both mad. I tried to call her once since we came back and she texted  Don’t call me anymore, back.”

“She’s probably on her PMS. She becomes someone else during her… sorry.” I said when I caught myself. Talking about periods and moods with the possible future boyfriend was beyond stupid. “She can have the meanest temper. And be as stubborn as a mule. But she’s been bothered by it. By not being okay with you. She’s just… Lumi.”

***

“The doctor said I could go home.”

“I know. I was there.”

“That means I’m fine. Stop hovering.”

“No. That means you’re okay enough to leave the hospital. It doesn’t mean you’re okay to do things by yourself. Like trying to walk.”

“I want to go to the bathroom. You are not coming with me.”

“I’ve seen you naked your whole life, gimme a break.”

“Going to the bathroom is a sacred moment I don’t like to share with anybody else.”

In the midway to the bathroom we stopped and I looked at her face. Her curly hair was tied in a thick ponytail, her glasses had slid down her nose and she was staring back with slitted eyes. Her left leg was folded in midair, the casket ending above her knee. Her left arm was around my neck and she seemed annoyed to the bone. Made me want to laugh for the first time in days.

“What?” she asked scowling.

“You. Look just like you did when you were a teenager. Even the foul mood.”

“Ha-ha. Can we go to the bathroom already? I really want to pee.”

“Aren’t you tired already? Of being in such a bad mood?”

I helped her pull down her pants and she sat on the toilet. I walked out of the bathroom to give her some privacy and stood on the corridor.

“I’m tired of having people telling me what to do, how to feel, what to say. I’m tired of working myself to the bone and not being recognized. I’m tired of missing my mother and the rest of the family. I’m tired of missing my friends. I’m tired of American excuse for food and I really miss my mother’s cooking. And I’m sick of thinking of stupid Victor every second of every day. I’m done.”

“Done? Don’t give up. These things are hard and you know it.”

“No, I…”

“No. I won’t let you. It’s your dream. I know it’ll be a little harder now, having to recover and having to do physical therapy, but things will be fine.”

“I finished peeing.”

“Ah.” I went back and she was dressed, we started back slowly to the couch. Her ponytail hit my face and I realized she hadn’t washed her hair in days. It smelled bad.

“Lumi, your hair stinks.”

“Oh thanks. You know? I’m injured. You could stop acting like such a mean bitch.”

“I’m the mean bitch?!”

“Yeah. And now you’re the mean bitch that is going to help me bathe. And you’re going to wash my hair. I can’t raise my arms.”

“And I’m the bossy mean bitch.” But I was laughing. And so was Lumi. “Mean bitches united.”

“Forever, manola.” Lumi replied with a smile.

***

Lumi was lying in the tub with her left leg resting on a kitchen stool, out of water’s reach. The bruise over her left ribs was still horrible, but the sickening yellow, that meant healing, was already showing among all the purple and red. I was sitting by her head, shampooing her hair for the second time.

“I missed taking baths.”

“I bet.”

“I feel almost human again.”

“So… why did you and Victor fight in London?”

“He told you?!”

“Not really. You are telling me.”

“Hmm. He’s another mean… what is the male for bitch?”

“Prick?”

“Nah, Victor’s a lot of things. Prick isn’t one of them.” Lumi said with her eyes closed. She tried to think of a way to explain things. There wasn’t really a way of telling bits and parts. She had to tell everything. “You have to promise not to mock me or… if you think I’m stupid you’ll pretend I’m not.”

“Bem, I would never do that. It’s so nice that it’s finally you on that side.”

“It’s not. I hate it. I hate it all. I hate him. Really hate him.” She stopped when I rinsed her hair and just stayed there singing along Two Door Cinema Club that was playing on her Ipod near her left foot. “Except… I don’t. I think I’m in love with him.”

“Oohh. I’m SO happy. Have you told him that?”

“What? That I love him? Of course not.”

“Why not?”

“Because he’s arrogant, he’s a know-it-all bastard and he plays the damn saxophone.” Lumi crossed her arms over her breasts and scowled at the ceiling. "I hate him."

When I realized it, I was already smiling. I remembered a girl being afraid to love, fearing surrendering to the man that obviously loved her. Before I could control it, I leaned back on the wall and wept my heart out.

"Anne?" Lumi sat up, trying to turn to me, but nearly let the casket fall inside the tub. "No, don't cry. I'm sorry. I won't talk about it anymore, I'm sorry." She tried to stand but couldn't with her leg resting on the stool. "Fuck. Ouch. Can you help me? I can't stand. Ouch!"

I opened my eyes and stared at her trying to stand, while splashing the water all over the floor. I rubbed my eyes dry and went to help her.


Inside her bedroom a few minutes later, as she fought to pull up her underwear, I stared out the window. Would this anguish ever leave? I missed listening to his voice. Missed his sounds; breathing, eating, sleeping. I missed him. And I was beginning to feel stupid for it. How could you miss someone you knew you'd never see again? I was, obviosuly, better off not missing at all. You can't miss what you can't have.


"I'm really sorry. I never know what to say at times like these."


"I'm..." I began, rubbing my eyes again and taking a deep breath, "okay." I turned and she was sitting on her bed fully dressed. "Really. So, when are you going to tell Victor that you're in love?"


"Me? No way. In fact, I'm not telling him at all. I'll just leave with it."


"Why?"


"Because... well, you know." Lumi stared at her feet. Wiggled the toes of her right foot and realized she hadn't done her toenails since before London. "This can be too painful. I don't want to suffer."


Ah. And there I was traumatizing her with relationships. Again. I knelt in front of her and tried to do a little soul search before speaking. I was sad. Really. But... I didn't regret it. I didn't regret telling him how I felt. I only regretted one thing.


"You have to stop second guessing yourself. Stop being such a coward and step up, love's right in front of you and the man that you love is amazing. If you don't take it, he'll eventually look for it with someone else. The only thing I regret," I said waiting for her to look at me, "is how long it took me to stop fighting against it, and accept that I was loving again. Don't make the same mistake."


"But..."


"He loves you back already. You don't even have to suffer wondering if it will be corresponded. Stop being such a pussy. The man is gorgeous and wonderful. If you don't take him, I will."


I went into the kitchen to start dinner. I couldn't wait for the day when missing him wouldn't hurt. But seeing Lumi... I couldn't help but smile. I still had my dreams, my hopes. I was singing a song called Sky when the phone rang signaling a new e-mail.

Dear Anne,

We received your application and is with great pleasure that we welcome you into our Masters Program. This is an unconditional offer. You satisfy all of the academic conditions required and we are offering you a place. You may still need to supply originals or certified copies of some documents. Since your application inferred that you were already on course of a Masters Program in the United States, it is required that you end all connections to any other University before attending LSE as a student. All students confirmations are due November 1st.

Welcome to London School of Economics.

Sincerely,

The London School of Economics and Political Science is a School of the University of London. It is a charity and is incorporated in England as a company limited by guarantee under the Companies Acts (Reg no. 70527).The registered office address of the School is: The London School of Economics and Political Science, Houghton Street, London WC2A 2AE, UK.

"Hey, what are having for dinner? I'm starving... what is it?" Lumi came leaning on her crutch. "You look like you're going to faint, what is it?"

"I've... how? How the hell.. I don't get it. There must be some mistake..." I looked at Lumi and she grabbed the phone to read for herself.

"Oh my God! Isn't this where..."

"Eli studied. Yes. And where he was going to participate in the conference. But how? I've never applied for LSE. It's too difficult to enter. And... I've never... how?"

"So... what is it going to be? NYU or LSE?"

I looked back at Lumi, not even knowing what to think. We ate burned pasta that night.